Red Squirrel Reflections Dave Hoover explores the psychology of software development

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[grid::fatherhood] A Happy Wife
Friday, December 17, 2004

What advice would you have liked to receive when you were a new or expectant father?

"As much as the child will change your life, it will change your wife's life more."

Spending time with children is one of my favorite things to do. There has rarely been a time in my life that I wasn't spending time with children in at least one context. Growing into fatherhood felt natural to me. And I think I'm a "good enough" father to my three kids. Where I could have used some advice is in being attentive to the radical changes in my wife's life. To be honest, I did hear some good advice on this topic, although the source of the advice is a little embarrasing.

In the movie Looks Who's Talking, John Travolta (the good-hearted cab driver) said that he felt that the husband's role was to keep his wife happy so that she doesn't kill the kids (or something to that effect). At the time, it struck me as patriarchal. But for some reason it stuck with me (though I've never done a great job of heeding it). Now that I am a husband to a woman who spends almost every mintue of the day with three children under six, it turns out to be excellent advice.

If only I could heed it. Maybe this gridblogging will help...

Replies: 2 comments

There's precedent for the idea of working (hard) to support your wife's happiness:

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church– 30for we are members of his body.

And this: As a not-yet, but soon-to-be father, I am really appreciative of the fruits of the seed you and Tim planted with this 'fathers in SW development gridblog'. I am relishing the comments made, and storing them away for future use.

Thank you.

Posted by Patrick Morrison on 12/21/2004

Pat, I had you (and a fellow ThoughtWorker) in mind when I proposed the gridblog. I'm glad you've enjoyed the posts.

Posted by Dave Hoover on 12/22/2004

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